An Open Letter

Dear Professor Who Occupies the Office Next-Door To Mine:

Normally, I would open a letter like this with something like "How are you" or "What's happening in your life?" But asking you those questions is unnecessary and that, my colleague, is the problem. You see, I know exactly how you are and what's going on in your life. I know how your kids are and I know what you have in your freezer at home. I know how things in the biology lab are going and I know about how you're waiting for that new equipment to arrive at the shipping dock downstairs.

Am I a stalker? Am I nosey? Have I been reading your mail? No, no, and nope.

I don't need a spy satellite or wire taps for your phone. I don't need to hire a surreptitious PI to tail you wherever you go. I don't need any of those things in order for me to know what's going on in your life.

So how do I know so much? Let me answer your question with a question:

What the freak is up with you having every single phone conversation in your office using SPEAKER PHONE? Seriously, what are you, Charlie from Charlie's Angels? Are you really so busy that picking up a phone receiver is too much of a distraction? Do you have some kind of rotator cuff injury or deformity that prevents you from cradling a handset?



Or do you just really, really like everyone hearing your honking, Canadian-goose, man-voice blare out the smallest details of your life? Is it your way of bonding with the three other people in our little pod of offices? Is this what you use in lieu of normal human interaction? Should I feel flattered that you trust me enough to let me hear you have a long conversation with your husband about your upcoming water skiing trip? Thanks, Prof, thanks.


Sincerely,

Mark

On another note:



Dear Skull Candy Headphone Makers,

Thank you, thank you , thank you for making ear buds that shut out so much sound. You have no idea what they've meant to me.

Sincerely,

Mark