Unmoored

Grief is exhausting. So is going to bed at 1 a.m. and then waking up at 6:30 to go to work for the first time in over a week. I got by yesterday largely on nerve and adrenaline but, last night, I fell asleep in front of the tv at 9 p.m. and didn't really wake up until 7 this morning. I'm still tired though. I could easily lay my head down on the hard, cold desk here in the Writing Center and be asleep in a matter of moments. I just feel really out of it.

In general, I am a lot more at peace concerning my mother's passing than I was/am with my dad's. We knew it was coming and, when it did, it was a blessing for her to finally have some relief. Still, the sadness, the anxiety, the dread comes and goes. Honestly, I was pretty much fine until I came back to work. I think being back has given me a moment to decompress a little and it's kind of painful. In Idaho, I had a mission - to say goodbye to my mom and to clean out her house as best as we could. I had things to do and only so much time to do them. Now that I'm home, I feel a little unmoored and adrift.

It's good to be back in the classroom. That's one place where I feel in control and confident. Plus, having specific things to accomplish gives me a sense of structure and purpose that's helpful.

So I'm trying not to feel overwhelmed by all that is on my plate - but here's what's coming up:

finishing a draft of my prospectus and sending it off to my committee in order to begin the endless dance of revision.
editing and publishing the student magazine.
taking and (hopefully) passing the foreign language exam at Wayne.
teaching classes.
raising my kids.
being a half-decent husband not consumed with his own concerns.
not curling up into a fetal position.

I know what my mom would say: don't look at it all at once. Break it up into small, doable tasks and take them one at a time. Just focus on what I can do today, right now and don't worry about the rest. Obviously, that's easier said than done but it's still good advice.