Twenty Five Ways of Looking at Portage, Indiana

Portage, Indiana is....

the amber-colored, unwashed ashtray in a 40-year smoker's house.
the sheen of ear grease on the screen of your smart phone.
a piece of corn pulp wedged between your two front teeth.
month-old flypaper in the corner of a desert gas station.
a charlie horse after unexpectedly having to sprint across the street.
an out-of-order sign on the elevator door of a six story building.
a radio station with a weak fuzzy, weak signal.
a hailstorm when you're a mile from the car.
a city-sized episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.
a mustard-covered sheet of wax paper blown out of the trash.
a birthday party held at White Castle.
a sleep-deprivation headache.
like throwing up in the snow on a first date.
an old tattoo that's lost its shape and turned into just a blue blob on a sailor's forearm.
a phlegmy cough that won't dry up.
a McDonald's dumpster on a 100 degree August afternoon.
that one shoe sitting on the side of the road on Highway 20.
a tennis racket with no strings.
Saturday mid-morning television.
a can of Aquanet left on a drugstore shelf since 1991.
an ABC After School Special about the dangers of dropping out.
a poodle with stomach flu.
a lukewarm, generic brand can of cola.
an ingrown toenail in new shoes.
microwave pizza in a cheap hotel room at 11:30 at night.

Weird. Really Weird.

So.

You remember Delta College? Nice, little two-year school up in Michigan? You may recall I applied for a job there last year and then waited for approximately a million years only to hear that I was not their choice for the gig?

That Delta College?

Yeah.

Well, they called me last Monday and said they had an unexpected opening in the English department and that they were wondering if I'd like to be considered for the position. I said yes and they said they'd get back to me.

I spent a couple of days mystified, not sure what was going on. Were they looking at just me? At just the other three finalists who weren't selected? The entire universe?

Thursday, I got a call from Delta again saying they hadn't heard back from my references and asking could I get in touch with them and get them to respond. I pressed for a little more info and HR lady said that I was the one who had definitely been recommended for the job but that she couldn't do anything until she heard back from my references.

So I called the former colleague and two former profs she mentioned and probably sounded to them like I had rabies or was on meth or something. They agreed to get in touch with HR lady ASAP. Delta is closed on Fridays in the summer and so I knew I wouldn't hear anything until Monday.

Well, it's Monday. This afternoon, just as Suzy and I were pulling out of the garage to go wash and vacuum the van, the phone rang and it was Delta's HR lady calling to officially offer me the job.

I said yes. I start on August 19th.

As my good friend, Liz Lemon, is fond of saying, "What the what?!"

So.

Know anyone who wants to buy a roomy house with a big yard in rural nowhere Illinois?

A (Very) Brief History of Movie Crime

A post about my time as a not-so-hardened movie theater criminal.