What a Wonderful (Disney) World

Day One: A pleasant flight with the girls. They watched Twelve Dancing Princesses and looked out the window while Suzanne and I read trash celebrity magazines. (My great vice when I travel. It's the only time I would ever think it's okay to pay money for things like People or US.)
Once we actually made it to sunny Florida, we rested for a bit in our 7th floor hotel room and decompressed. We got our bearings and walked the quarter mile to an area called Downtown Disney. It's a complex of shops and restaurants that enables people to blow tons of money on Disney merchandise without having to actually go to the park. As everything seems to in Florida, the place is centered around a lake. We walked to the dock and took a 20 minute ferry ride to one of the Disney resorts, Old Key West where we ate at a place called Olivia's. We figured we could afford to eat overpriced Disney fare once so we went for it. Prime rib for me, lime chicken for Suzanne. Kid food for the kids. Our waiter was named Brahim and he was from Morocco.

After the meal, we went back to Downtown Disney and wandered through the cavernous gift shops. There was also a stage area and, without question, the highlight of the entire day was the kids dance party that we held there. This schlubby looking guy with a ball cap, glasses, and a headset microphone led a mob of people (mostly young kids but also teenagers and "feeling young again" parents) through dance moves to the tunes of "Car Wash," "Respect," "Hey Ya," and others. Why was this the highlight, you ask? Well, let me tell you, my friend, my 5 year old loves to shake it. That's right, shake it. At first she was just sitting on my lap and trying to be subtle about the fact that she was following along with schlub-man up front. I asked her if she wanted to go down to the pint-sized mosh pit and she said no. But within 5 minutes, she's jumped up and went down there entirely on her own and was completely enveloped in the kid's dance party experience for the next twenty five minutes. It was the funniest, cutest thing I'd ever seen. This was good but the best part was when we sent Older Sister down to retrieve Younger Sister because it was getting late. We watched Maryn walk down, find Avery, talk into her ear, and then, almost instantly, get swept up in the rapture of Aretha Franklin's R-E-S-P-E-C-T, and start dancing too. It was like she'd gotten assimilated by a herd of dancing Borg or something. One minute she's the responsible older sister and the next she's shaking it. That's right, shaking it. It was hysterical.

We eventually pulled them away from the dancing, bought some Ghiardelli's hot chocolate (because it was a little chilly), and walked back to the hotel.

Day Two: Breakfast at Perkins and then off to the Magic Kingdom. It was bright and warm. 78 degrees feels pretty hot when there's 100% humidity and you just came from snow and 34 degrees.

Keep in mind, I'd been to Disneyland before when I was a kid and as a teenager. Suzanne, on the other hand, had never been to Disney-anything. It was all new for her and the girls so it was a thrill to be with them when they saw the ornate, cleverly laid-out Main Street U.S.A. and to hear Maryn shriek as she pointed, "There's Cinderella's castle!" It's cool to be around for stuff like that.

We spent a lot of time in Tomorrowland that day without doing a whole lot. It was a Saturday and, in retrospect, I realize that's probably not the best day to to to the park. Long lines were everywhere and, at times, it was hard just to walk. Avery and I rode the Astro Orbiter while our more weak-stomached companions, Suzanne and Maryn, went on the Carousel of Progress. After that, we made the very fateful mistake of taking the girls on Stitch's Great Escape. The whole premise is that you're a guard in the prison where Stitch, the blue dog-like alien from Lilo and Stitch, is being held. He escapes and causes mayhem. There are long periods in complete darkness, unexpected loud noises, spraying water, and at one point, the smell of chili dog burps being blown in your face. (I'm not kidding.) Our little guide book said the ride was mediocre and might frighten small children. Let this be a lesson to us all: believe your guidebook. Do not disregard what it tells you. The girls came out of there crying, screaming, and pretty much traumatized for the rest of the trip. From that point on, right when the line to a ride turned a corner to the unknown, Maryn would start crying and freaking out. It wasn't cool.

We bought a hot dog, chips, and a drink for each of us for lunch to the tune of 30 dollars and moved on to the Toon Town Fair. (We did ride the Tea Cup ride on the way though and it was pretty sweet. It was a precursor to what I discovered the next day -- the older rides are better than the newer rides.) We toured Mickey's house, Minnie's house, Donald's boat, and took the train around the park before returning to Toon Town. Both girls refused to go on Goofy's Barnstormer which is a small roller coaster for kids. There was no convincing them so we moved on.

It doesn't seem like we did all that much but it did take us five or six hours to get through all this. We ended the day by going to Mickey's PhilharMagic which is a computer generated 3-D movie about Donald Duck chasing the wizard's hat from Fantasia through four or five Disney movies. The 3-D effects were incredible and we all loved it. We figured that was a good note to end on so we headed out.

(Heading out involves a lot down there. We walked to the monorail that took us to the transportation center that brought us a bus that drove us to our hotel. The whole park-to-hotel experience took an hour with all the walking and waiting.)

Dinner at TGIFriday's and sleep.

Day Three: This was, by far, the best and most enjoyable day of the trip. We had a better sense of how to navigate the park and what not to do (don't backtrack, just keep moving). Plus, as much as I wouldn't ever advocate willful, purposeful Sabbath-breaking, Sunday is totally the day the attend the Magic Kingdom. Lines were short, crowds were thin, and it was just a much more enjoyable experience in general.

We started back in Fantasy Land and got in line to Ariel's Grotto. There's a little splash park for the kids to play in while parents hold their place in line so they can meet an actress dressed in what must be a the world's most uncomfortable costume. Really, it's the worst of two worlds -- she is simultaneously overdressed and underdressed. She's in a super-heavy wig that's made to not budge an inch and her bottom half is wrapped in a faux fishtail. Can't be comfortable, right? But besides that, all she has up top is a seashell bikini so she's pretty vulnerable. How would you like to sit for four hours at a time so strangers could look at your bare abdomen? Not I, said the jelly-bellied Mark.

Anyway, the girls were pretty enchanted with her and enthusiastically waved good-bye when we left. Then we moved on to two classics in a row -- It's a Small World and Peter Pan's Flight. Both were just sort of deliriously great in how old-school they were. I mean, the Small World ride is really uncomplicated but the music and the colors and all the change that people have thrown into the water -- it's just cool. Plus, I loved it when midway through Maryn looked me and said with sudden understanding, "Dad, they're singing to us in the words from the different countries!" I was pleased that she was paying close enough attention to notice that the song was being sung in a different language in each room. She's such a little smarty pants.

Peter Pan's Flight was awesome just because of the way they mess with reality using really basic technology. The sprawling but tiny model of London as you fly over in your individual pirate ship is just freakin' magic.

We ate lunch at Pinochio's Haus and I thought it was really funny that we ate pizza, salad, and a Philly cheese steak in a German-themed restaurant while being served by people from Peru and Puerto Rico. Disney World really is a surreal place in many ways.

After lunch, we tried to get the girls to go through the Haunted Mansion. I can't say this with enough emphasis: It. Did. Not. Go. Well. I tried to casually walk them up to the door and get them in so they could see that it wasn't a big deal. But the recording of a howling wolf that was coming from a hidden speaker near the door sort of gave it away and the whole affair ended in a wrought-iron-fence-clutching, crying, screaming, wailing, terror-stricken fit. I tried to convince them that it was fun scary rather than scary scary but they would not be swayed. So we walked back through the entrance line, passing curious onlookers as we went, tear-stained daughters being led by the hand.

So we headed to Adventureland and, overall, it rocked. The Swiss Family Robinson tree house, the Jungle Cruise, and the new addition of Aladdin's Flying Carpets were all a lot of fun and had short lines. The Jungle Cruise might as well be made from pure Velveeta but I loved it. The animatronic lions eat the animatronic zebra while the animatronic (and seemingly politically incorrect) headhunters look on. It's awesome.

There was some sort of live Pirates of the Carribbean show going on outside the ride itself. Some Johnny Depp-lookalike was having a sword fight with someone else and there was a whole, mesmerized crowd watching. We were not mesmerized so we just kept walking and walking and walking until our little stroll led us right to the boats of the P of the C ride without so much as a pause for breath. No lines. At all. Do you know how rare that is? It was like finding a 20 dollar bill in my pocket (which, if I had found, I promptly would have spent on one ice cream cone and a box of peanuts from Disney vendors. I would have had .75 cents left over.) Anyway, all that joy was stymied when the ride stopped for ten or fifteen minutes right at the "Dead Men Tell No Tales" part before the big drop off. That long pause sapped a little of the magic but once we actually dropped down and went into the fort attack room, I was happy. It was a lot for the girls to take in so I'm not sure how much they really enjoyed it. Once we got out into the well-placed gift shop, they definitely enjoyed sword fighting with each other.

We went to Tom Sawyer's island for a while and the girls took turns leading us through the various caves and mines. Standing on the dock to go back, I was certain I was directly across from Miguel Ferrer, the actor from Crossing Jordan, Bionic Woman, Traffic, and the Kevin Costner festival of badness, Revenge. I couldn't tell if the guy was looking at me in a "Please, don't make a big deal of who I am" sort of way or a "Why is this jug-headed guy staring at me" sort of way. I've looked at photos of him on the Web and I'm still not sure. Suzanne says no but I would love the brush-with-fame mediocrity of it. I'm never impressed with people who have had dinner or spent real time with celebrities. I'm always more interested when I meet someone who cleaned Jamie Lee Curtis's cabin at Red Fish Lake or someone who delivered a custom shower door to Bruce Willis's house.

I digress.

We watched Fairy Godmother light up Cinderella's castle for Christmas and then had a terrific view of the fireworks show while we waited in line for the Tomorrowland Indy cars. Avery was a driving machine and loved being at the wheel. She purposefully banged the car into the guide track and then would say, "I can't help it, Dad. It's just the wheel."

We finished off the night by going on Buzz Lightyear's Space Spin (or something.) I still think the old-school rides are superior but this one is a worthy addition. You're in a spaceship that you can make spin left or right and it carries you through a series of shooting galleries. Each ship is equipped with two laser guns and you fire at the targets in the galleries and accrue points. You fight the evil Emperor Zurg from Toy Story 2 and just generally have a great time. Maryn scored 800 points, Avery scored 2000 points, I had 80,000 and Suzanne, freakishly, had something like 400,000 points. I don't know how she did it but I know that she was the Zurg-slaying queen.

Avery fell asleep in my arms as I carried her to the monorail that night and slept until we were almost to the hotel. Maryn slumped against me on the bus and fell asleep too. For the record, though she may only be 5, carrying Avery is like carrying a small NBA player or a newborn Clydesdale. Seriously, it's like she's made out of sandbags and leftover legs from the giant-making factory. She's a long, tall Sally for sure.

Anyway, the next day was uneventful. The girls swam in the hotel pool, we checked out, and went back to Downtown Disney to buy souvenirs. Suzanne and I got a set of Christmas ornaments (our tradition is to buy an ornament whenever we go on a trip so our tree will represent places we've gone together). Maryn got a Polly Pocket Tinkerbell doll and Avery, ever the surprising little girl, got a sword, eye patch, and telescope.

We returned our car, waited for our delayed flight, crossed the continent from south to north, and returned to snow and 34 degree weather. It was a great time and I'm glad we went.

Don't you feel well rested and tan just for having read the blogging equivalent of a neighbor's slide show of their vacation?

P.S. As an ironic afterword, I want to point out that the first movie the girls wanted to watch when we got home was Lilo and Stitch.