So it's been a month since Dad died. I haven't felt like writing since then and have just figured that the world could more than do without my bloggy blatherings for a while anyway. The world is still more than fine without anything I have to say BUT life goes on and I can't stop living it just because I'm sad.
For the record, I'm dealing with a lot of grief over Dad's loss and guilt over the fact that he died right in front of me and nothing I did (or could have done probably) made a difference. Consequently, I feel cloudy-headed a lot of the time, indecisive and insecure. Going to work is okay because it gives me things to do and a sense of structure but I know the quality of my teaching is much lower than it normally is. There was a day in my 1002 class when I had to ask, "Now, what exactly did I ask you to do last time?"
I'm also pretty irritable. The girls, I'm afraid, are feeling the brunt of this. They're just going along, being an 8 and almost 10 year old, and I have no patience for the usual forgetfulness, laziness, and goofiness of kids their age. I yell a lot and that's not cool.
I'm not sure what I'm waiting for. Part of me feels like if I can just make it through this semester, I'll somehow be able to decompress or process or whatever it is I'm supposed to do that will make me feel somewhat better. I know grief is a long term process and I've heard that when you lose someone close to you, it can take a year or more to really start to get over it and deal with it. I'm not expecting to be all cured and dandy by Christmas or anything. I just kind of feel like, for right now, I have to just make it through these classes. If I can do that, I'll somehow earn some time to grieve or heal or something. Not sure.
Anyway, one thing that's not going to happen is this blog is not going to turn into an ongoing rumination about Dad, his death, my grief, etc. While my own sadness is real and powerful and I'm not trying to minimize it, I think people who go on and on about their dead parents are really boring. Sounds cold-hearted, I know, but seriously, I've known people who could only talk about their loss and that was it. I felt bad for them but also secretly begged they could find another topic once in a while. (The weather! The latest cast-off! Politics! Seen any good movies lately? Sweet fancy Moses, anything!)
So I'll probably continue to write about movies I've seen, silly stuff my students and kids say, the weather, TV shows, and stuff like that. I post cartoons and dumb pictures of spacemen and superheroes. It's lame and unimportant but a lot of life is like that, I've decided, and it's okay.
8 comments:
Welcome back. It's good to hear from you.
I know where your coming from. It's been way to easy to irritable and mean for the last month. I can't imagine going through the things you have associated with Dad's passing. I want you to know that I love you and none of us blame you. Not that my saying this will change the way you feel, but you need to know it. It's been hard, and it will continue to be hard. It's a good thing that someone who knows so much more than we do understands the plan. Love you.
My Mom died nearly 10 yrs ago, and I want you to know that there are days now when I don't think of her. Dad died in '07 and I think of him much more often, but still time goes on and so do we.
I agree that this is one of those passages we just deal with. We have our private moments and our semi-private ones. When something reminds me of one of them, I call Vicki and say : "Remember ... ?" and we laugh or cry or get a little mad all depending. I don't talk to Paul as much because there is so much of them he never knew or saw, but Vicki ? Well, home free.
I think a new post is a good sign. It shows that in this you are moving on. And the same will happen little by little in other areas, too. Baby steps first and the blog is a good beginning.
And, BTW, Maryn's "handsome piece of furniture" needs to be noted ! ;o)
It seems surreal that life should go on. It's a good step that you're taking each day by the reigns and sorting through it as you go. It's all you can do. It's enough.
It is good to hear from you again Mark. One day at a time is the best way to go. You've got a listening ear in Washington.
We're listening here, too! Welcome back.
Your last two words are the important ones and should be the theme song of mourning: "It's OK." However you decide to do this is the right way for you. Listen to me now: you SHOULD give up all the SHOULDS for a while.
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