Stooge

Normally, I'm a little leery when Hollywood decides to make a movie version of almost anything - a book, tv show, action figures, etc. (A movie version of Dark Shadows! A movie version of every comic book ever made!) And I'm especially suspicious of stunts. Pirates of the Caribbean was a stunt - a movie based on a Disneyland ride? Did you know they're making a movie version of the board game Battleship? Yep, they are.

So naturally, when I hear they've made a movie version of The Three Stooges, I'm not impressed. Nevertheless, I'm posting the trailer here. Why? Because, if nothing else, the last four or five seconds of it are pure wish fulfillment for me and I love it. Enjoy.

Notes to Self

The soup at Subway is gross. Every time. Don't buy it again unless you're in the mood for glue.

When it's March and still snowing, remember how much you looked forward to the first snow in December.

You cannot save every student. If they stop coming to class or don't hand in assignments, there's very little you can do. Allow them the learning experience of failure.

Watch the two year-old. She's a crafty ninja and can be very quiet when digging through the litter box or finger painting with the cat's water dish.

Facebook is a monumental time suck. Some people use it for useful, productive things. You aren't one of those people. Just log off and forget about it.

Brothers

So it was a quick trip but fun as heck and well worth the travel. Highlights include:

Big Jud's - of course.

Real Steel - Giant! Robot! Boxing! Plus a touching story about fathers and sons.

Melanie's Brothers' Reunion Spread - homemade soup, jerky, Chocodiles, diet Pepsi, a bowl of cookie dough, (that's right, a bowl of cookie dough just for us to eat), etc.

Prison Break - thanks a lot, Dave. Now I have to go find it on DVD because I have to know what happens next.

My charming nieces and nephews - each one sweet and fun and funny. I only got kicked in the nose once which is pretty good considering how much uncle-torment I dished out over the course of two days. Kyle tagged me pretty good on accident. Blake pulverized my sternum - not on accident. Not at all.

My lovely sisters-in-law - such good women.

My brothers - the best of men.

I loved it.

Soup and Cookies

I have a Pavlovian response to cold, rainy days. As soon as a day clouds up and gets chilly, I immediately want to A. make homemade beef stew with big chunks of potato and carrot, B. make soft, gooey chocolate chip cookies, stuffing them into my face while they're still almost too hot to bear, or C. both of the above. It's my mom. For whatever reason, that was her response to cold days and there was many an afternoon when I came home from school or work to find a big ol' vat of rich hot soup waiting for me. I could pretty much eat Mom's "homemade soup" (that's what we call it - no other specifications needed -- we know which homemade soup) all day every day and be happy. Same with the cookies. I don't think there's anything more perfect than a warm chocolate chip cookie. (The only thing close to this perfection is the cookie dough. I know you're not supposed to eat it - raw eggs and all that -- but I eat it. Oh, I eat it.)



Anyway, the pre-winter weather we're getting is making me jones for these things. The problem with the cookies, at least, is that we have big tubs of Halloween candy to get rid of and it doesn't make any sense to make more sugary things in a house already loaded with them. So I have to wait until our massive stores of Kit Kats and Tootsie Rolls lessen.

But it's this kind of stuff -- the memories of soup and cookies -- that makes me wish I could talk to my folks. I miss being able to call them on my way home from work and just check in. Mom would be at the house and Dad would probably be out and about doing something. I'd talk to Mom first and she'd ask about Suzy and the girls. She'd tell me what was going on in her ward in Rigby, what service project she was working on, who needed help that week, etc. She'd remind me about Dan's birthday and tell me what funny things the Idaho grandkids had done that week. And she'd ask me how I'm doing, how school is, how my PhD is coming.

I'd tell her about how verbal Parker is right now, how she's repeating everything she hears (for better or worse) and how she can count to thirteen all on her own. I'd tell her that school is rolling along as ever, that I have really good creative writing students this semester. I'd mention that I feel absolutely paralyzed with my PhD, that even when I have time to work on it, I don't and that I feel like a bug pinned to a board where that's concerned. She would tell me to not look at the whole overwhelming thing but, rather, to just figure out the one small thing I need to do next and then do that thing. Just do what you can do today and don't worry about tomorrow until tomorrow, she would say. She'd tell me Dad was out inspecting a farm or visiting pawn shops or in Idaho Falls looking at a new _____ because the old _____ gave out and he found a newer, cheaper one on Craigslist.

So I'd call Dad and we'd talk while he drove around doing whatever it was he was doing. He'd ask about Parker, about Maryn and Avery. I'd tell him Maryn has to miss "Friday Fun Hour" tomorrow because she has too many marks for talking during class. I'd tell him we're really struggling with Avery right now because she's having a tough time telling the truth about things. He'd feel bad for them and tell me to go easy on them. He'd wonder if Maryn's teacher is being too hard on her. He'd tell me Avery is a good, sweet kid and that things will work out. He'd ask what funny thing Parker has done lately and I'd tell him how the other day she carried around a toy knife from her cooking set and kept calling it a fork in a really loud voice but that when a two year old yells the word "fork," it sounds like something else entirely. He'd laugh at that, I know. After a while, he'd say, "Well, I don't have anything else. Anything else you wanna talk about?" and then we'd get off the phone.

Obviously, there was a comforting sort of predictability in talking to my parents. It's something my brothers and I still joke about - Dad's abrupt sign-offs, Mom's advice to take things one small task at a time. But just having them there was such a blessing. Being able to talk with them grounded me and made me feel as though everything was eventually going to be alright.

I miss them. I miss having them in my life. I'm glad neither of them are suffering or uncomfortable any more and that they're together. But not having them here sucks for the rest of us.

Hmm. That was a sad sort of detour from what began as a nice discussion about soup. Let's think about happy things, shall we?

This Friday is the beginning of a three-day weekend for Veteran's Day. Yay.

My plans for the cover of the new issue of River Currents, IVCC's literary journal, are coming together nicely. Should be something different.

Our fireplace is poised and ready to flame-on at the first sign of snow.

Thanksgiving approacheth. Say hello to the Thanksgiving sandwich - turkey, dressing, corn, mashed potatoes and gravy all on a roll. Heaven.


I've discovered The Goon, a crazy mashup of EC horror comics, film noir, and Abbott and Costello routines. Not for the faint of heart but really funny and the first thing in comics to make me really happy in a long time.

The McRib is back! (Just kidding. Don't eat it. It will turn you into a zombie. I'm pretty sure they're made of pressed brains.)

By the way, I generally consider it bad luck to make blog promises but I really would like to post here more often. Three times a month is pretty lame and lackluster. I will try to do a better job of making this blog worth checking in on every once in a while.

A couple of days...

It's Friday and today I stayed home from work. Between being out in the cold air on Monday night and then talking for six hours straight on Tuesday, I developed a hard, painful cough -- no goo, nothing to actually cough up -- just an incredibly loud, dry bark. That's not the only reason why I stayed home though. The girls had the day off from school for PTC and Suzanne left for Michigan to go hang out with her sisters -- so I took the day off to hang with my lovely daughters and recover my bad case of Barkitis.

It's a beautiful fall day. No clouds, plenty of light, yellow leaves all over my lawn. It's nice. I turned back a batch of papers yesterday and that always makes me feel lighter. I don't collect any more major assignments for another week or ten days so I have a few moments to just breathe. So maybe I'll finish that book I started on my flight out to Arizona or maybe make a batch of chocolate chip cookies. Perhaps after the girls go to bed, I'll watch the Coen brothers' version of True Grit that I bought cheap at Wal-Mart. (I love it. Have you seen it? You should. Hie thee to the Redbox.) Having just a few moments free is a very refreshing feeling.

But then, they're not really free. Every moment I am doing anything else, that means I am not working on my dissertation. That is a whole other ball of wax that I won't go into now. (By the way, "ball of wax?" Who came up with that disgusting phrase?)

-------------------------------------

It's Saturday now. I started writing this post yesterday and then had to actually do something with my day so I saved it as a draft and now I'm back. Yesterday, we went to Ottawa, looked around at the Book Mouse, a surprisingly nice and well-stocked local bookstore, and then took in an afternoon matinee of Puss in Boots. We ate lunch at Obee's (sandwiches and soup, my favorite) and then came home for some down time.

Today has been pretty mellow. We woke late, ran a few errands, took naps, and I mowed the lawn. The weather was nice enough that I grilled cheeseburgers outside. (I "grilled out" as the Duggars inexplicably say.) As soon as it was over, however, I cleaned up the grill and bundled it away into the garage for the winter. Same with the mower. It has seen its last mow for a few months, I think. It's already snowing in Idaho so I'm sure it will be here soon.

The other thing that happened today was that we had out chimney repaired. When we moved in, the previous owners told us not to build any fires in the downstairs fireplace until it had been looked at by professionals. Well, three years later, we did that. They came by and installed a new flue and cap so now we can have all the cozy fires we can stand. We never spend any time in our basement so maybe this will change things. Chimney Guy did say the whole thing will need a new crown in the spring. They siliconed the cracks and holes but he said that's only a temporary fix for winter and it will need redoing when things warm up. Sigh.

There's always something to spend money on when you own a house, you know? I was thinking how it must be some sign of adulthood that I have a chimney guy, a tree guy, a lawnmower repair guy, an exterminator, and a carpenter in my contacts list. (I used to just have my dad for all that but now I have this small squadron of dudes I have to pay.) It kind of sucks. But, on the other hand, we have this warm, cozy house with lots of space, tons of yard and privacy, and a really nice kitchen. So I should probably be grateful for what I have rather than complain about what I have to pay to keep it nice and functioning.

Anyway, it's starting to get late and we have church in the morning. Fortunately, these days Maryn and Avery get themselves ready for church without much help. So all I have to do it suit up and get Parker in some kind of church attire and we'll be on our way.

Halloween Hijinks

The Dangers of Sending E-mail While Tired and/or Driving

"Mr town I'm going to be a few minutes late to class thus morning. My power wet off last night and my alarm never went off. Sorry

Sent from my iPhone"


Just call me Mr. Town!

Fall Break

Today (all of it, the whole 24 hours) is Fall Break at IVCC. I'm not complaining about its brevity because I did take almost all of last week off after all. It just kind of makes me laugh. It's like Spring Break at Ricks College - they'll let you out of class just early enough on Friday afternoon to drive to SLC for April conference. No time to fit a Girls Gone Wild performance in that window, you know?

Anyway, I just took Maryn-Martone-Balone and AJB to school and neglected to mention that the rest of us will be heading to Bloomington for a few hours while they're busily studying. We have a couple of things to return and will be probably enjoying ourselves at Olive Garden for lunch.



I just finished watching the pilot episode of Justified. I'd downloaded to it watch on the plane last week and never got around to it. The thing about pilots is that the show is usually unformed and uneven. I've been watching the first season of 30 Rock in reruns and am shocked and how it's practically a different show -- Liz is confident and capable, Jenna is relatively sane, Tracy is not a complete buffoon, etc. I enjoy the jacked-up surreal version that developed sometime toward the end of the second season more but it's interesting to see where it all started.

With Justified, surprisingly, there's none of that. Admittedly, the show is only two seasons old. It's right at the point when 30 Rock really started to evolve. So if this season it suddenly becomes something entirely different (which I doubt), I guess that will be fine. But for now, I just really appreciate how whole and fully-imagined the whole thing is. Harlan County is a universe unto itself and it's there as much in the first episode as it is in the 26th.

I'm not usually a man-crush type. It's just not in my nature. I think it has something to do with not caring about professional sports - I'm not in the habit of having a deep personal admiration for someone named Payton or Jimmer or whatever. However, I have to admit I have a man-crush on Raylan Givens, the protagonist of Justified. He's just so cool, you know? Ice-water in his veins and a Stetson on his head, he makes me want to invest in a handgun and possibly some cowboy boots. How many guys are so cool that they make you want to buy Western wear?

Note that I admire Raylan, not Timothy Olyphant, the actor who plays him. Olyphant is obviously talented and clearly a kind of unofficial successor to Clint Eastwood (he voices the Eastwood character in Johnny Depp's Rango cartoon) but it is the creation that is Raylan that I think is awesome. Olyphant was the star of a movie called Hitman that I have no interest in seeing and he was the bad guy in the most recent Die Hard which I haven't gotten around to seeing. What I like, I guess, is the combination of Elmore Leonard/Graham Yost's words on paper and the way Olyphant brings them to life.

Anyway, the new season will feature perpetual bad guy Neal McDonough and the surprisingly versatile Idris Elba as villains. It premieres in January and that sounds like a pretty good birthday present to me. (By the way, those of you who know who he is, did you know that Idris Elba is actually British? I had no idea until I heard him in a radio interview the other day. I defy you to listen to his accent as Charles Miner, the upper-level manager who replaces Michael Scott during the Michael Scott Paper Company fiasco on the Office, and tell me you can detect even the slightest clue that the guy isn't American.)

Anyway, off to return stuff and enjoy endless pasta!

Back in Town

It has been a busy couple of weeks to say the least. I went to Arizona last week to present a paper at the Rocky Mountain Modern Language Association conference. My work paid for the flight, hotel, car, etc. so it was pretty sweet. The weather was perfect -- not too hot -- and it was fun driving around amid palm trees, saguaro cactus, and restaurants that serve things other than fried chicken and gross pasta. Very exotic.



The conference was fun and rewarding -- I always get charged up by things like that. The conference covers everything from really practical teaching stuff to super-obscure academic topics so I got some new tips on teaching and also heard some great talks on everything from the LDS pioneer paintings of C.C.A. Christensen to the excellent post-apocalyptic graphic novel Y: The Last Man. I met some nice people and my presentation seemed to go over pretty well.



There were two real highlights of the trip that had nothing to do with the conference. The first was Friday night when I took an evening tour of Frank Lloyd Wright's summer compound, Taliesin West. I have been an architecture geek my entire life and to see this 20th century master's house, office, drafting room, theater, etc. was just a huge thrill. I would touch things and think, "This was his desk. He sat right here!" About midway through the tour, I remember thinking to myself, "I could not possibly love this more."



The best highlight, however, was hanging out with the Norman family in Mesa. They graciously took me in, let me play with their kids, and talk their collective ear off. It was fun to listen to tales of Jeff burning scorpions with a blowtorch and to eat homemade ice cream for a breakfast dessert. Mel is always fun and interesting to talk to and her kids are among the best around. I particularly love that, prior to my arrival, super-niece Maia wandered around the house saying, "Do you know that Mark Brown is coming to our house?" I love that she knows that I'm her uncle and calls me that now but I kind of miss her referring to me simply as "Mark Brown."

As great as the trip was, by the end, I was pretty anxious to get home and see everyone. While I was gone, Suzanne traveled to Michigan to visit her family. She clearly has an iron constitution to take two older bickering daughters and one younger, utterly out of control daughter on the road for four days. I mean, that's practically one of the tasks from the old Fear Factor show. I think they all had a good time but I also think we were all glad to be back together.

One thing that often strikes me when I travel is how small and, in some ways, limited the Illinois Valley is. I forget that not everyone in the universe wears hoodies and sneakers to church. I forget that there are places where exercising is something that a lot of people do -- and not just to get in shape for high school football. I forget that there are places where a college education doesn't make you a freak. I forget there are places where there are lots of Mormons and they are friendly and helpful. I forget there are places that have more than one class per grade in the elementary school. I forget there are places that have bookstores. I forget what it's like to live close to family.

I have so much to be grateful for. I have a good job in a terrible economy. I have a warm, comfortable house where I enjoy spending time. I have three healthy, happy children. I have an excellent wife. But, if I'm honest, sometimes coming back to Illinois bums me out a little. Is that bad? I should probably be happy where I'm planted, I guess. But at the same time, it's not a bad thing to be honest about how you feel, is it? I know the grass is always greener elsewhere and that there are plenty of places much worse than where we are. But there's nothing wrong with hoping for better in the future while trying to be at peace with my present circumstances.

Anyway, enough of that. It's autumn in Illinois and that's a pretty nice time of year. The leaves are changing, the nights are cool, and everything feels like it's holding its breath waiting for winter. Better live it up while we can.

The Male Accessory

When some guys grow mustaches, they look like this:


or this



or this


or even this.

But then, there's the rest of us:



The world just ain't fair.

Despite the Sun

Driving home
from Dad’s funeral,
we pass Arimo –
a gas station
and six houses
in the middle of a valley.
September scoured
the pastures white
and left the cows
just black spots
on a solar field.
A million years ago,
this valley held
a long, wide arm
of Lake Bonneville,
ten miles across,
a mile deep, and blue
like evening shadows.
Arimo sits in what was
the deepest part of the river,
the darkest floor
of a vanished sea.
Harvested wheat fields
stretch in bands
between leopard skin
rows of cheatgrass,
juniper, sage, and stone.
The late afternoon sun
illuminates everything,
turns dust plumes
into diamond curtains
drawn across the valley.
Not for us though.
Not today.
My father pulled
a million years
and all the sun
under with him
this afternoon
and we, despite
the sun, drive through
the deepest part
of the river.

Sad News

What you are looking at is a very old photo of Peter Buck, Michael Stipe, Bill Berry, and Mike Mills, otherwise known as R.E.M. They started off as a tiny independent band from Georgia that was known for getting play on college radio stations. Eventually, they got mainstream recognition, won a boatload of Grammys, and at one point had the largest recording deal in music. Over the years, they got older and things changed -- Bill Berry had a brain aneurysm on stage and decided to retire, Micheal Stipe came out of the closet, they made some albums that were great and some that were pretty unsuccessful, Peter Buck started looking like a middle-aged woman named Marge. But they were always cool. To me anyway.


These guys are one third of my college music trinity (U2 and Indigo Girls being the other 2/3). Today they announced that, after 31 years together, they are "calling it a day." I appreciate that they have always done their own thing and followed their muse even when it didn't necessarily work. (Around the Sun anyone?) Anyway, they made music that moves me and they provided me with the greatest concert experience of my life (better even than U2 if you can believe it). I'm sad they're breaking up but I'm glad they're doing it with class and grace on their own terms. Thanks guys.

I'm supposed to be completing a Power Point presentation for my tenure portfolio right now but I just discovered that the version of PP we have here at home isn't compatible with what I have at work -- so I can't do anything until I'm at my office later. My students are workshopping this afternoon so I'll have about an hour to get stuff done while they're busily saying things like "Well, it just doesn't. . . flow, you know?" and "I think it flows really well." and, of course, "It's kind of choppy. You need to work on the flow." (Do not get me started on my feelings about this amorphous idea students have that they call "flow.")

Anyway, it's been a long while since I've posted so I figure I'll do that before folding the laundry and changing the sheets this morning. Suzy's at the Writing Center, the older two are at school, and Parker is wandering around the sunroom with my keys trying to put the van key into every doorknob available. It's a gloomy day outside -- foggy and cold. Tomorrow is supposed to be close to 80 degrees and sunny but then the weather will dip back down into "It's autumn, fool! Put on a jacket!" conditions.

I'm contemplating taking the 22nd off work. It will be the one year anniversary of Dad's death and I feel like there are two paths I could take. Path #1 would be to just go to work and get the job done and treat it like any other day. That's probably the path Dad would take if it were him. He wasn't much of a sentimentalist. This is the guy who, after all, got done with his own father's funeral and then changed clothes and helped Suzy and me load up a U-haul so we could move to Boise. He didn't see a lot of use in taking days off for much of anything. He worked when he was sick, he worked when the weather was bad, he worked when he had six months of vacation time banked up just sitting there wondering when it never got used.

Path #2 would be to take the day off and do something fun and distracting like taking the girls to Chicago to the Field Museum or something like that. While Dad wasn't one to take frivolous days off, he was always in favor of doing something nice for his grandkids. I think Dave and Melanie can attest to how he'd show up in the middle of a work day (often) with some new toy or treat or find for their kids. I doubt Dad would encourage any kind of moping or wussing around on the anniversary of his passing but I have no doubt if I told him about having a special day with Suzy and the girls, he'd offer to pay for our gas and send 20 bucks for each of the girls to spend at the gift shop or something like that.



So I don't know. I don't know how much of a big deal I want to make out of it. Given my natural aversion to work and preference for things like museums and Chicago hot dogs, I'm thinking I'll go with path #2 - but we'll see.

In other news, I'm presenting my tenure portfolio to my dean and one of the VPs on Wednesday. I think that's kind of the big deal and the meet-and-greet with the Board of Trustees that comes later is more of a formality. I imagine it will go well. They've kept a close eye on me over the last three years and if there were a problem, I'm sure I would have heard about it long before now. I think the tenure presentation is the sort of thing where, as long as I show up wearing pants, they'll take me. And since I am planning on wearing pants, it should go okay.


Speaking of Chicago, here is a little video I took when the girls and I were walking around downtown when Suzanne flew out to Colorado a few weeks ago. We were in Daley Plaza and while the older two played on the giant Picasso sculpture, Park-Foo and I terrorized some pigeons. Enjoy the joy.

Sunday Afternoon

It's nearly three in the afternoon and the house is quiet. Parker and Suzanne are napping, Thing One and Thing Two are watching a movie, and the cat is outside stalking mice and crickets. I'm here with a fizzy glass of diet 7-Up and Joan Sutherland singing Bizet's "L'amour Est un Oiseau Rebelle" on my itunes. (I know, mentioning that I'm listening to opera makes me sound immensely pretentious. If it makes you feel any better, it's the only opera I have out of thousands of songs, I don't even know what it means in English, and the only reason I bought it is because I remember hearing it on Sesame Street when I was kid.) Anyway, it's a one of those lovely late summer afternoons when the sky is filled with amorphous white clouds that seem too drowsy to even change shape. A little breeze is pushing the ash tree leaves around and our neighbor's abandoned sunflowers lean over like they'd really just like to take a nap. It's still and I appreciate that.

School started week before last and, in many ways, it's good to be back. Returning to a schedule came as a bit of a shock -- things like getting out of bed at a specific time, having places to go, shaving, etc. had become a little foreign to me. But overall, it's nice to have a specific purpose for each day, to have specific things that have to get done, to see my colleagues and friends around campus. I really do enjoy being in the classroom and so it's nice to be back.

At my school, the tenure process is radically different than other places I've taught. At IV, you're hired and then have what amounts to a three-year trial period. Your teaching is reviewed by your dean and one of the VPs twice a semester and you're asked to be on various committees, action groups, advisory whatevers, etc. At the end of three years, you present a portfolio of your work and accomplishments at the school during your trial period and then they either give you tenure OR they say "Thanks but no thanks. See you later." Yup, at IV you either get tenure or you get on the road. I'm not worried about whether or not I'll get it, I'm just a little overwhelmed at the prospect of assembling my portfolio. It's just one more project, you know? As any regular reader may gather from this blog, when I feel overwhelmed, I just kind of lock up and don't do anything. I suffer from AAP -- academic anxiety paralysis. I wish I was one of those hardcore doers, you know, someone who just gets crap done come hell or high water. But I'm not. I'm a guy who is glad it's Sunday so I can justify not doing "work" but can blog because it counts as journaling/family history.

Anyway, I have all my stuff assembled more or less in order, I just need to start putting it all in page protectors with the appropriate dividers, etc. I also need to finish writing a little introduction to both the portfolio itself as well as each of the five sections. I present to my dean and a couple of VPs in a few weeks and then to the Board of Trustees a week or so after that. So hopefully but October, I'll be a tenured professor of English. Won't that be cool? Not as cool as finishing my stupid stupid stupid PhD but still pretty cool.

Things I Like

Cooler days. Today was only 83 with no humidity and a nice breeze.

The Adjustment Bureau. It was interesting, entertaining, and beautiful. Few movies have ever made New York City look that cool. Plus, the chemistry between Matt Damon and Emily Blunt was totally believable. Best movie we've rented in a long time and easily one of the top three adaptations of a Philip K. Dick story. (Yes, better than Total Recall and Paycheck. Probably not as good as Blade Runner -- although lots more laughs.)

Rachel McAdams. She's usually the best, most-interesting thing in whatever she's in. Admittedly, she was a little outclassed in Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes but she brought a lot of charm to Morning Glory which pretty much would have been a dud without her.

Mowing the lawn. Seriously. We have about an acre and it takes me about an hour and a half to do it all. I listen to This American Life or a playlist on my ipod and just sort of bliss out for a while. Besides just the relative peace of being able to focus entirely on one simple job, there's something really satisfying about the cleanliness and order of the grass when it's all done. I love looking out our back windows at the grass and seeing the lines made by the mower wheels. It's weird but whatever blows your hair back, right?

Imelda May. See for yourself:



She was on the Morning Glory soundtrack and I just dig her funky retro thing. Her album Love Tattoo is really cool and what's interesting about her is that she's Irish. I find it interesting when European singers reinterpret very American sounds -- Brits Duffy, Amy Winehouse, and Adele with the whole 60s girl-group sound and now Imelda May with the slinky 1950s rockabilly thing. I dig it.

Diet Pepsi. I drank a Diet Coke the other day and about spewed. I used to think there was no real difference between the two (that was back when I hardly drank either ever). Now that I am well-acquainted with both, Diet Pepsi is the clear winner. Light, sweet, fizzy, perfect. It is my ultimate summer beverage.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. Suzy and I caught an afternoon matinee today while the girls stayed with a sitter and I really enjoyed it. It was moving and exciting. The part when Harry's dead loved ones come back to speak to him before he goes into battle was very touching. I had to keep it under control because I didn't want the constantly-cell-phone-checking-teenagers in front of us to be all like, "Why's that old fat guy crying? What a wuss."

Colin Hay. The first album I ever bought wasn't really an album, it was a cassette tape. Yep, Men at Work's Cargo. I bought it with my own money (6.99 I want to say) from a grocery store in American Falls, Idaho. I think I bought it on the strength of their song "Down Under" and the fact that I had cousins from Australia which is where the band originates. I listened to that thing until it was a worn-out mess. Now, all these years later, I come to discover that MAW's lead singer, Colin Hay, has gone on to have a nice solo career and does some really cool acoustic stuff, including a version of the old MAW work classic, "Overkill."



Cucumbers and tomatoes. Slice them up and put them in a bowl with a little Italian dressing -- is there anything better or more summery than that?

Park Foo's first haircut:

Summer

Meh. Summer feels as though it's coming to an end. August is like the February of summer. It's the last brutal example of the season before things change. We've had an unprecedented streak of hot, humid weather here and it's been pretty awful. Well over two weeks of temps in the 90s and a heat index over a hundred. It's just not cool to start sweating just from stepping out on your porch, you know? Sweat when you work. Sweat when you exercise. Sweat when you rock out to 80s hair bands. Don't sweat from just . . . standing.

So the girls registered for school today. They came home with their school-issue planners and seemed excited to get back to their friends and that world. I got word last week that the creative writing class I was going to teach at our satellite campus didn't get the enrollment it needed so instead I've been handed a twice-a-week 8-freaking-a.m. comp 2 class. This, succinctly put, blows. Blows chunks. Hate it. Besides the fact that I hate teaching (or doing anything) early in the morning and besides the fact that it's inconvenient because it messes with our schedule of me dropping off the girls at school on my way to work, it means I'll be teaching four hour-and-fifteen minute classes back to back every Tuesday and Thursday with only ten minute breaks between them. Remember that blowing thing I mentioned earlier? Yeah, it's that again.

So I sent an email to my colleagues who are normally very cool, accommodating people and explained the situation, asking if anyone would like to trade. There are at least a couple of people who like getting their classes out of the way first thing so I thought someone might actually jump at the chance. Not so. It's more like this:


No takers. Bleh. It's not a big deal. It isn't as though I'm working swing-shift at a factory or something. Having to get up and teach a little earlier than usual for two days a week is hardly a hardship. Frankly, in this economy, it's a pretty high class problem to have.

Anyway, our kitchen is done, our vacation is over, the girls' camps are through, and the garden is bearing fruit. (Zucchini anyone?) Are there any surer signs that summer is winding down? As nice as many aspects of this summer have been, I will be glad to get back to a little bit of a routine.

How's the dissertation going? Funny you should ask. It isn't. It's been nearly six weeks since ol Mr. Dissertation and I even spoke. It's remarkable how fast life just steps right in your way when you really, really want to get something done. Prepping for the vacation, taking the vacation, returning and decompressing from the vacation, living in a house 45% destroyed for two weeks, etc. It's just always freaking something, it seems. Even this week -- this week, I was supposed to get back to work and we had everything all mapped out. But then Parker developed a fever and stopped sleeping for three nights in a row. Sick baby = no work for Mark. Bad baby. Bad. (Just kidding. She's neither bad nor really a baby any more. She ran into the room this evening stripped of her pants. When we said, "Where are your pants?" She squealed, ran away, and called, "I took them off!" This is not a baby. This is our new overlord.)

So I'm a little bummed at how little I've accomplished this summer. I rewrote my prospectus, sent it off, got some feedback, and that's where it stopped. I was supposed to take two weeks to revise and send back another draft. That was six weeks ago. I kind of suck. Maybe next week will be better.

Anyway, a couple of things:

The new Captain America movie is well-done and fun. Maryn, Avery, and I went and had a good time. I love that I have nerdy little compatriots who will watch stuff like that with me. For the record, the new movie is much better than the 1979 made-for-tv movie featuring complete non-actor Reb Brown (no relation). Perhaps this goes without saying. Observe:


I've really enjoyed being a reader/judge for the Irreantum fiction, essay, and poetry contests. Some of the stuff I read was just really, really excellent. It gave me that feeling of "I've never thought of that before but now that you mention it, that's exactly right." Not all of it, of course, but a lot and it's nice to be able to read a lot of good, well-crafted, thought-provoking writing.

We visited Rockford, IL today in our quest to get out of our little valley and find cool things beyond our regular environs. Unfortunately, today that quest was a bust. Rockford is ghetto with a capital G. Gehhh-heh-toooooo. Dirty, run-down, abandoned. We went to the Discovery Center Museum which would have been fine if it hadn't been located in Rockford. So it looks like for the foreseeable future, we'll be keeping with Bloomington and Peoria for our bigger city adventures rather than heading north to Skeevyville.

I watch a lot of really feminine programming. I kind of worry about it a little. SYTYCD, Project Runway, Design Star, Food Network Star. Shouldn't I be watching hunting shows or NASCAR or something? Sadly, I don't. Most of the shows I watch feature super-gay people cursing at each other. And I like it. Ah well. We love what we love, right?

I have other things to tell but it's late so I'm closing up shop for the night.

Catching Up

So much to cover I'm going to have to short-hand it.

Two weeks ago, there was this:








The U2 concert at Soldier Field made me deliriously happy. There's so much I could write about it but suffice it say that it was worth 20 years of waiting. I had a hot date too as you can see.

Last week, there was this:






We spent last week in a little condo on the bank of Silver Lake about ten miles from Lake Michigan. We swam, made smores, picked berries, visited with fabulous Erin and hilarious Cole, ate excellent food, went letterboxing, hiked, and had an all-around good time.

This week, there is this:


and therefore, there is this:


Our real kitchen is in the process of getting new tile, new walls, new paint, new cabinets, and a couple of new appliances. While that's happening (and happening and happening and happening), we take refuge in the basement and cook in the microwave and on an electric griddle. It's like camping but not pretty.

So that's where we're at. Work on my dissertation has been halted for the last three weeks but will hopefully start back up next week. I've also got a tenure portfolio to prepare in order to ensure that I can keep my job. Busy, busy.

One other development is that the dreaded Illinois heat and humidity have returned. It's been over 90 degrees every day this week and the heat index has been over a hundred. Bleah.

In other news, Shalee did correctly identify the last FQF quote as being from Just Friends with Ryan Reynolds and Amy Smart. Well done, Shalee. If I were making you a fabulous virtual prize it would be a picture of your house completely finished and a contractor with a black eye and a few missing teeth. This will probably be the last FQF for a while. I am indefinitely suspending all FQF activity until further notice. It's been a fun summer game but now is the time for other things.

One other thing is that just today I was notified that my short story "The Iron Door" will be published in the Fall issue of Irreantum, a Review of Mormon Literature and Film. I had a story published there a couple of years ago and I see this as kind of a companion piece -- although it's a better story and needs less work than the first one did. The fiction editor emailed me and promised that I "won't have to suffer as much as last time." Yay for less suffering.

Anyway, hopefully by this time next week, we'll have a functioning kitchen again and I'll be thismuch closer to keeping my job and getting my PhD. We shall see.

Joy

Texting with my brother David yesterday, he mentioned that his family will spend the 4th of July camping in their trailer at the same place they went last year. It struck me that last year both of my parents were with him for that little trip and this year they're both gone. I still get sad sometimes when I feel my parents' absence and think about how sucky it is that they both left so quickly, so close together.

Suzanne and I have been talking about it more lately. There was a while when I don't think either of us really wanted to discuss my parents or their deaths any more. It was too sad and we had life to think about and our girls and work and school and all the hardships and tasks that come with mortality. But in the last week or two, she and I have had a couple of long conversations about Dennis and Laurie and how we miss them, how we sometimes feel their presence near (more Dad than Mom), and what a powerful role each of them played in our lives - as a couple and as individuals. When I think about it too much, it makes me a little blue so I try to think about good things, happy stuff that I enjoy.

So here are some things I have really been enjoying lately:

The Next Food Network Star - It's not as high-power as Top Chef but it's still fun to watch. I am surprised by how emotionally involved I become with these people. For anyone else watching, can I get an "amen" to the fact that Penny is the freaking devil?

Foo Fighters - I think I've written before about how, underneath my college English professor exterior, there's an 80's mullet rocker waiting to come out. Well, it's true. Some part of me really enjoys big stupid rock music and Foo Fighters really fit the bill. Actually, I don't think they're music is stupid. I think lead singer/songwriter Dave Grohl is really smart and some of his songs are quite moving - in an arena rock sort of way. "Times Like These," "All My Life," "Back and Forth," "Walk" -- all make me raise my imaginary lighter in appreciation.

The Lonely Polygamist - Novelist Brady Udall came to the Boise State MFA after I'd left but I still feel some ownership there so when he came out with a ginormous novel about a modern-day polygamist family living in Utah that was reportedly very funny, I had to investigate. I got it for Christmas and it sat on the shelf for a long time. I'd read the first page or two and then get distracted. Finally, a month ago, I decided to just get to it and see if it was worth the effort. Turns out, it was. The book is funny - I laughed out loud several times. The character of Rusty, an angry, anxious kid forgotten among the swell of his brothers and sisters, is the best, saddest, funniest thing about the whole book. It's not a perfect novel but I did enjoy it an awful lot.

Ice cream sandwiches - For me, there is no better summertime confection. I get them from the Casey's a mile from our house. It's so hot and humid here that they start to disintegrate as soon as I get them out of the store. So I eat them as fast as I can so they don't melt all over me. At least that's the excuse I'm using. I'm sticking to it.

This American Life - I've subscribed to the weekly podcast because I'm never near a radio when the local NPR affiliate broadcasts this Chicago-based gem. Ira Glass isn't for everyone and I get that -- but the stories and voices that his show presents are just more interesting, funnier, more heartbreaking, more surprising, and more joyful than anything else you're going to hear on the radio. I usually listen to an episode while I'm mowing the lawn and it makes the time fly by.

This whole situation -

FQF

I'm thinking I may need to rename these posts something like "SATWFQ" - as in "Somewhere Around the Weekend Film Quiz." It's been a busy couple of days so I missed Friday. Ah well. I'm here now.

As I mentioned in the comments to the last post, I honestly thought nobody would get this week's movie, 1980's Battle Beyond the Stars. It's too small, too random, too obscure. But no. Tracy knew it and even knew that George Peppard of Breakfast at Tiffany's and The A-Team is in it (and his character's name is Space Cowboy). Wow. Kudos to Tracy. I know the picture below is probably not exactly what you had in mind with George on the beach - but it does fit the letter of the law so here you go:



Anyway, Battle Beyond the Stars is a low-budget sci-fi retelling of The Magnificent Seven which was a Western retelling of Akira Kurasawa's Seven Samurai. It was also redone (in a way) in Pixar's A Bug's Life. The set-up is basically this: pacifists are about the be invaded so they recruit tough people to fight for them. It was produced by Roger Corman which, as many of you know, means it was low-budget and schlocky. I was about seven or eight when we rented it on video from Country Time Video in American Falls, Idaho and my older brother and I watched it a lot. We knew it wasn't as well done or as fun as Star Wars but we didn't care. We'd take our space ships and laser gun battles where we could get them. In doing a little research about the film now ( you know, Wikipedia), I find out that the movie was actually James Cameron's big break in the movie biz. The original art director got fired and James, a lowly model maker, got promoted. Who would have thought a movie with effects like this:


would lead to a movie with effects like this:



Out of small and simple things, eh?

So anyway, BBTS is an acquired taste to be sure. It's strictly for people who enjoy movies filmed on pure Velveeta and can appreciate the mole-speckled Richard Thomas as a leading man. John-Boy in Space!

This week's quote is a slow pitch right down the middle. Enjoy!

"I mean, listen, I know it might sound a little corny, maybe even a little femme, but I find something so resplendent in the simplicity of Nicholas Sparks' writing, you know what I mean?"

FQF

Ahh, the Admiral comes out of hiding to reclaim his FQF crown. Yes, last week's quote was from a quintessential 80s movie, One Crazy Summer.


Written and directed by Savage Steve Holland, it stars John Cusack and Demi Moore and is all about the summer shenanigans of some recently graduated friends on Nantucket Island. Like so many 80s teen films, it focuses on a loveable guy from the wrong side of the tracks, the girl he loves, and the evil rich kid with fancy cars/boats/houses, etc. The 80s were obsessed with socio-economic class warfare apparently -- even in films that feature Bobcat Goldthwaite in a Godzilla costume.

Like Holland and Cusack's previous collaboration from the year before, the great Better Off Dead, the movie is a mostly just a series of gags, set-ups, and absurdity. It's like a high school senior with a history in road shows got a budget and some nice cameras, you know? We're not talking about King Lear or even The Breakfast Club. One reviewer referred to Holland's directorial tendencies as "infantile clowning." I saw this movie when I was about 14 so infantile clowning was right up my alley. It's a film I could never apply any real critical thought to. It's like a family member or a lifelong friend -- you just love it even though it may be objectively lame.

Of course, John Cusack is still around and going strong, alternating between popcorn fare like 2012 and arty stuff like Being John Malkovich. Demi Moore's full-time occupation these days is being married to Ashton Kutcher which, frankly, seems like a heck of a lot of work to me. Savage Steve Holland moved to television and works primarily for Disney these days. One interesting fact about him is that he was the guy who animated the Whammies on the old TV game show Press Your Luck. I loved those guys.


Alright, for this coming week, we're setting the wayback machine to about thirty years ago. See if you can name this low-budget gem:

"Hear me, beings of Akir. I am Sador of the Malmori. I have come with my forces to conquer you. If you resist, I will crush you. I possess a stellar converter, the most powerful weapon in the universe. You cannot resist me. I want your planet to be my colony. Your harvest comes in seven risings of your red giant. I shall return then, and you will accept me as your master. If you do not submit, your planet and all life on it will be burned to ash."

Film Quiz Friday

Clark wins again! Twice in three weeks. Most impressive, my friend. However, since you did just win, I'm going to let you just keep basking in the glory of your virtual General Tso's for now. No new fabulous prize this week.



Anyway, as Clark correctly guessed, this week's film was the 1953 Richard Burton vehicle, The Robe. Burton plays the Roman soldier who ends up with Christ's robe after the crucifixion. It's very much in the classical Hollywood Bible epic mode (though it is, of course, extra-Biblical to say the least) and it was the first film released in the widescreen format Cinemascope. It is also the only film with Richard Burton I've ever seen all the way through. Not sure what the big deal was.

This week's quote is from a little treat of a movie that is seasonally appropriate for this time of year. Both its male and female leads have gone on to quite healthy film careers and its writer/director found a home working in television following his spate of films in the 1980s. Hint: the female lead is probably more famous for who she is married to now than for her film career. Good luck!

"Why am I talking to you? You're not a man, you're a cat! Go back to your feline world!"

Nerdery

Not even most nerds will know what this is, but those of us in the know (specialized nerds) realize how cool this is going to be:



By the way, I really, really hate that Youtube videos won't just fit, you know?

Belated Film Quiz Friday

So it's Sunday. So this will be a holy film quiz.

Anyway, as Angela H. correctly suggested, last week's film was Gattaca, the 1997 sci-fi film written and directed by Andrew Nicol. The thing I enjoy most about this film is how effectively it created a sense of being futuristic with little more than well-chosen locations, costume design, photography, and sound. Frank Lloyd Wright's Marin County Civic Center stands in for a kind of Mission Control. Buildings from Cal Poly Pomona with a filter on the lens look like housing tenements from the future. Even when Ethan Hawke's character drives his little car, the sound of a turbine engine is dubbed in to make even that simple thing seem slightly different. You never see a laser gun or even a space ship up close. People wear regular clothes and go to work in cars and yet, it doesn't quite seem of our time. I think it takes a lot of cleverness and creativity to pull that off.

Of course, the movie was very forward thinking in terms of genetic engineering, etc. but that can be a discussion for another day. It features a young Jude Law, which is why my mother-in-law recognized the quote immediately. She's a fan of ol' Jude. And, as I mentioned, it's the film that brought Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman together. Is it just me or did Ethan seem to go downhill after they split up? Uma looks essentially the same but he looks like he's been whittled down to a sliver of irritated anxiety.

Anyway, Angela asks for all things Uma so here's her prize:



So, here's this week's quote (and remember -- it's Sunday.)

"From this day forward, I am enlisted in His service. I offer Him my fortune, my sword, and my life. And this I pledge to you on my honor as a Roman."

P.S. This week's winner, Angela Hallstrom, is, among other things, an excellent author. If you haven't bought and read her novel-in-stories Bound On Earth, you are missing out. You need to repent, click here, and buy it ASAP. It's only eleven bucks, it has a cool, newly redesigned cover, and the stories will make you love people more. You will thank me later.

Film Quiz Friday - An Offer I Couldn't Refuse

Linda graciously offered to cede her prize to Clark who knew that last week's quote was from Francis Ford Coppola's 1972 masterpiece, The Godfather. Since I already knew what Clark would want, I special-ordered his fabulous prize from Peking Chinese Restaurant in Twin Falls. Here, Clark is literally up to his neck in General Tso's chicken. Heavenly, eh Clark?

The Godfather is notable for a lot of things -- the cinematography by Gordon Willis, for one. Willis is sometimes called "The Prince of Darkness" for his ability to expressively use shadows and blackness on screen. If you watch the whole initial sequence that takes place in Don Corleone's office during the wedding, it's as though they started with a pitch-black room and then carefully laid in a light here, some light there, making the whole thing rich, complex, and sculptural. His work is absolutely wonderful especially in that it's incredibly effective while always being in the service of the story. He's expressive but subtle and that's a pretty rare combination.

Of course, there's Brando as this weary but powerful old lion and Pacino with his positively glacial performance as the Don's second son. (When did a guy with this kind of control become the bug-eyed hoo-hah we have today?) James Caan, Robert Duvall, Talia Shire, Abe Freaking Vigoda - there's not a weak performance in the entire thing. Incidentally, Sterling Hayden from last week's movie plays the corrupt Captain McCluskey who ends up gunned down by Pacino's Michael Corleone.

While it is not something I would have watched with my mother, it remains one of my favorite films and one of the best films made in the 20th century.

This week's quote:

"You want to know how I did it? This is how I did it, Anton: I never saved anything for the swim back."

Think 90's science fiction. Good luck.

Film Quiz Friday

Last week's quote is from Stanley Kubrick's first feature-length film, The Killing (1956). It's a late-period noir that is a treat to watch. Sterling Hayden is tough, gruff, and has his heist, the titular "killing" he's going to make, all planned out.

One aspect of his downfall (there's always a downfall, isn't there?) is his co-conspirator's wife, Sherry. She's the one being referred to in the quote of the week and ends up helping facilitate the destruction of all of Hayden's well-laid plans. If you're in the mood for a surprisingly contemporary-feeling heist film brushed with some old Hollywood glamour and style, The Killing is for you.

Here's an easy one that the Admiral is forbidden from saying anything about. It's far too easy for him. He's the one who introduced the movie to me and lent me his copy of the book. So this is for everyone else:

"I am honored and grateful that you have invited me to your home on the wedding day of your daughter. And may their first child be a masculine child. "

Happy Surprises

For me, one of life's great pleasures is when you go looking for something you like and end up finding something you like even more.

I think of this specifically in terms of music. Back in the pre-digital days of albums, if you liked a song, you had to take a chance on buying the whole album and hope the rest of it didn't suck. I remember distinctly seeing the video for Matthew Sweet's "Girlfriend" on MTV in the basement of my cousin Kathie's house in 1992. The song was so poppy and cool and the video was a mishmash of Japanese anime -- I was entranced. So the very next music shop I saw (remember those?), I found the album, plunked down my fifteen bucks, and proceeded to listen to it for the next twenty years.

Of course, "Girlfriend" will probably always be my favorite track but the real pleasure came in how many other tracks I came to love. "Evangeline," "Does She Talk," "Nothing Lasts," etc. It's one of the most consistently listenable albums I ever bought. I could just put it in my CD player (remember those?) and let it go without having to worry about skipping over the lame songs. Finding the song "Girlfriend" was great but finding the album Girlfriend was even better.

Anyway, part of what makes this discovery of something additional and equally awesome is its rarity. More often than not, an album will have one or two good songs, a couple of middling ones, and several that you just want to automatically skip every time. (There are still portions of U2's latest album that I haven't listened to all the way through.)

These days, you don't have to buy albums at all. You can do a Seal Team 6 search and destroy targeting and find the one exact song you want, not having to bother with the other dozen tracks if you don't want to. On the one hand, this is nice for a dilettante like me who only wants that three-and-a-half minutes and not the whole ninety minute musical experience most of the time. But it does cut down on the likelihood of making that pleasant discovery. Deep cut tracks (as the local DJ calls them) are more likely to stay buried this way.

Fortunately, the shotgun approach of Google and Youtube searches make up for this a bit and you may still stumble across something you've never heard but can never live without now that you have. Having said that, let me just say to the Pretenders' song "Night In My Veins," my dear, where have you been all my life? You're not what I was looking for but am I glad I found you.

Film Quiz Friday

I admit, I was rooting for cousin Karen on this one because Cameron Crowe's 1992 film Singles was filmed entirely in the Seattle area where she used to reside. (Although, she was a suburban girl and wasn't likely to be found hanging out in clubs, watching Alice in Chains perform. I think.) I guess I thought she might have heard of the film simply by virtue of proximity but, alas, I guess not.

Anyway, Crowe wrote the screenplay for Fast Times at Ridgemont High, wrote and directed the John Cusack opus Say Anything, and then did Singles. He's since gone on to bigger and (sometimes) much worse things. (Can you say Elizabethtown?) Jerry Maguire, Vanilla Sky, Almost Famous, etc.

Singles was his transition film between stories about teenagers to more sophisticated, adult fare. It focuses on a group of twenty-somethings in Seattle during the so-called Grunge period. The characters meet, fall in love, break up, listen to music, lose their jobs, go back to school, etc. The film was notable for highlighting bands like Alice in Chains, Screaming Trees, and a little band named Mookie Blaylock (later to be known as Pearl Jam.) The film is also distinctive because of it's very writerly screenplay. Crowe is a guy who delights in wry dialogue and in memorable one-liners. He is the guy responsible, after all, for "Show me the money." The quotes both the Admiral and Tracy used in the comments section bear this out. Debbie Hunt is a kind of desperate man-eater character who, at one point, makes a dating video and it has a catchphrase - "Come to where the flavor is. Come to Debbie Country!" She also declares that "Desperation is the world's worst cologne" which was almost my choice for the quote of the week. (On a side note, the guy who "directs" Debbie's video is played by Tim Burton, director of Beetlejuice, Batman, Alice in Wonderland, etc. It's a tiny cameo but very funny.) It's fun to listen to the nuanced character bits that come out just through dialogue.

Anyway, the film also features Kyra Sedgewick in a rare leading film role. It's her former boyfriend, Mr. Sensitive Ponytail Man, who uses the term "emotional larceny."

Matt Dillon plays Cliff Poncier, a deluded, undertalented front man for a band called Citizen Dick. I think Dillon is a talented guy and I think this is one of his great, under-appreciated performances. He plays puff-chested cluelessness perfectly. One of my favorite moments is when his long-suffering girlfriend Janet (Bridget Fonda), suffering from insecurity, pointedly asks him, "Cliff, are my breasts too small for you?" The look of serious contemplation, confusion, and uncertainty on Dillon's face is as classic as his reply: "Sometimes?"

Campbell Scott, the male lead, did not get along with Crowe at all during filming and the two had several well-documented shouting matches on the set. One point of tension was the fact that Scott came to the film directly from filming Forever Young with Julia Roberts. In it, he played a guy dying of cancer. So when he showed up to be a romantic lead, he was bald, skinny, and looked like crap. Crowe wasn't happy to see him like that. Apparently, in the time it took them to locate a decent wig, Scott's hair grew out just enough to begin filming his scenes.

As far as the film representing the grunge era in Seattle, it seems a little too clean and polite to really be any kind of real portrait. Nevertheless, it's one of my faves from way back and writing about it has made me want to track it down on DVD so I can have it on in the background while I'm folding laundry or whatever. It's one of those that I can watch over and over again.


This week's quote is from another favorite of mine, a first film from an important director, and an inspiration to a lot of other films that followed it. I don't anticipate anyone knowing it but I'll pitch a softball next week:

"I know exactly what kind of woman you are. You're a no-good, nosey little tramp... you'd sell out your mother for a piece of fudge. You have a great big dollar sign where most people have a heart."