If I Had A Million Dollars. . .

If I had a drop of technical ability, I would embed a You Tube video of Barenaked Ladies singing the classic song. But I don't. So I won't.

Instead, let's go lo-fi. As you read this post, hum the tune to "If I Had A Million Dollars. . ." to yourself. Heck, if you're alone, belt it out: "But not a real green dress, that's cruel!"

Anyway, I imagine most ordinary people think about what they would do if they were suddenly rich -- winning the lottery, inheriting unexpected millions from an obscure relative, discovering major oil deposits in your back yard (black oil, Texas tea), finding Howard Hughes in the desert, etc. Oh, we would quit our jobs, travel the world, invest in retirement, ensure our children's ability to attend college, send our parents on a cruise, and other good and worthy causes.

But what if you couldn't spend the money on yourself or your family or friends? What if you had a boatload of money but had to spend it in some kind of philanthropic manner?

I realize there are millions of people in Africa who don't have access to clean water. So, if we're talking Bill-Gates-style cash, I'd have to pay to have a few thousand wells drilled and installed. And I know there are thousands of people out of work here in my adopted city of Detroit and so I'd think about creating some kind of large scale industry that could support a big chunk of workers. (But what?)

I make those suggestions to offset the narrow, sort of selfish things that I'd really want to use the money for. They're good things to do but there are other, more personal things I'd like to do with the money too.

First, I'd establish writing scholarships at some of the schools I've attended.

I'd name the one at BYUI for my mother, Laurie Brown, and give it to promising incoming freshmen writers. I was mentioning to Suzanne just yesterday how, when I was on my mission and I'd meet kids who were going out west to Ricks for the first time, I always took a lot of pride in being able to direct them to my mom's office on campus. I always assured them that she would be able to help them with anything they needed. So it seems appropriate that a scholarship for incoming freshmen would be in her name.

At Idaho State, I'd set up a creative writing scholarship for married students and name it for Suzanne. She endured many soul-killing hours as the Queen of the Copymax in Pocatello, Idaho in order for me to finish up my education there. Giving some money to some struggling, young couples would be a good way to pay tribute to all that she did for me during those years. (And all that she continues to do.)

Boise State's MFA program would be the home of the Katherine Grow Sheffield poetry scholarship. My Grandma loved to read and write poetry and her influence on my mother, I think, has a lot to do with who and I am and what I do today. I'd probably stipulate that the money go to students who are both poets in the MFA program and teaching assistants in the English department seeing as how Grandma was a poet and a teacher.

I don't feel much affinity for Wayne State in general so I'm not sure how I'd feel about giving it money. Maybe I could establish the "Wayne State's Administrative Policies Are Lamer Than A Hobbled Horse But We Want You To Come Here Anyway" scholarship or perhaps the "Teachers Here Are Good Even If The Campus Bathrooms Have Homeless Guys Living In Them" scholarship.

No, in all seriousness, I would probably buy and refurbish one of the Victorian mansions that surround campus and make it low-cost housing for LDS students who want to attend Wayne full-time. The area around campus (and Detroit in general) will never improve if people continue to treat it as a sinking ship that needs to be abandoned. (Plus, Wayne State doesn't even have an Institute of Religion. What draw is there for nice Mormon kids to come into the big bad city so that they can realize it's not so big or bad?)

So those are some of my ideas. What are yours? If you had a ton of money but had to spend it on somehow making someone else's life better, how would you do it?