2008

Back again. It is almost as though I never left. Same desk, same computer, same noise out in the hallways -- and yet, I do feel more rested and less worn than I did two weeks ago. I feel pretty good. The holiday was lovely in many ways. Christmas was quiet and warm and satisfying -- the best in years actually. Everyone was happy with their gifts but no one really dwelt on them. We just enjoyed being together and spending time. I liked it a lot.

Now that I'm back, I have two posts to make:

1. A review of my goals for the holiday.

2. An offering of my incredibly important and generally infallible opinion of the movies we watched over break.

So here we go:

I'd like to translate a page a day of Harry Potter y la piedra filosofal.
Yes/No -- Definitely not. Not even a little. The closest I came was checking out an English language version of the book to check what I'd done so far. My work isn't terrible but it's really obviously a translation by an amateur, that's for sure.

I'd like to carve a few new linoleum blocks.
Yes/No -- Nope. Not even close.

I'd like to take the girls to the Detroit Institute of the Arts.
Yes/No -- Yep. In fact, we did that on the first day of break. Maryn almost put her hands directly on a Picasso. I about had a heart attack.

I'd like to go on a Christmas day drive with the ladies in the afternoon.
Yes/No -- Yes. We took Ann Arbor Road all the way out. It was beautiful and we passed the famous Dixboro general store which I have never actually seen. The girls, sadly, hated the drive and were stone cold bored through the whole thing.

I'd like to go see Beowulf in IMAX 3-D with my brother-in-law, Ben.
Yes/No -- Yes. More on the film below. My favorite part of the experience had nothing to do with the movie though. It was my proudly germ-phobic brother-in-law asking if I thought the 3-D glasses we were given were disposable (they were not) and, if not, did they get sanitized between uses. I'm pretty sure they don't but Ben was a trooper and put them on anyway.

I'd like to read some non-school related stuff.
Yes/No -- Kinda. I read the first hundred pages or so of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell but that's it. School starts next week and it's a big book so I'm not sure when I'll get back to it.

Six goals. Three accomplished for sure, one kinda accomplished, and two definitely not. That's not a bad ratio, I think.

Now, for the movies.

I Am Legend -- Intense, occasionally outright frightening, and surprisingly well-made. Honestly, I can't figure out how they managed to convincingly stage some of the shots of a totally empty, overgrown, abandoned New York. The infected zombie people were just fake looking enough to keep me from being completely freaked out in a couple of scenes. I enjoyed it but it's not for people who don't enjoy being startled. I thought there were some interesting similarities to some other Apocalyptic, end-of-days movies that have come out recently, notably Alfonso Cuaron's Children of Men.

Waitress -- Cute and charming but ultimately more subversive than it appears. It's one of those "quirky" independent films that get a lot of praise at festivals but don't see a lot of mainstream success. Slow pace, B-list actors and tv stars trying for indie cred, a single-vision writer/director -- all the hallmarks of a Sundance-style film. Anyway, in the end, it's a feminist film that portrays men as cads, abusers, jerks, or misanthropes and the protagonist, Keri Russell, is only happy at the end when she is free from all men. She divorces her cartoonishly stupid and self-involved husband, rejects her adulterous lover, and her grumpy boss dies. She walks off into the sunset (literally) with her new daughter and all is well with the (all-female) world. I found it kind of heavy handed in that sense but the film wasn't bad. It had funny moments and, for being small budget, it looked great. It was beautifully shot and the lighting and set design are really wonderful.

Hairspray -- Fine. Ho hum. It was nice to see Michelle Pfeiffer singing again. It was interesting to see Troy doing something other than Troy. But overall, the movie didn't do much for me. Nothing wrong with it. Just not my cup of brightly colored, well choreographed tea.

Firewall -- Holy crap. When was the last time Harrison Ford did anything remotely interesting? It's been at least 15 years. The last decade and a half has been spent with him giving the same wooden, one-note, utterly boring performance in film after film. Seriously, it's like somewhere along the line he was joking around, acting really stiff and grimace-y, and he just got stuck that way. Like a kid crossing his eyes or something. He's been playing the same guy since he tragically took over Jack Ryan from Alec Baldwin in 1992. Gruff, reticent, not happy about it but definitely able to best the bad guys with his constitution of iron and jutting lower jaw of self-righteous indignation. Snooooooooze. Harrison Ford/Block of Wood guy aside, the movie is predictable and full of characters who serve no purpose other than to act as place holders. Imperiled daughter, cruel bad guy, nicer bad guy. Once again: snoooooze.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End -- If you didn't like my huffy, superior tone in the last bit, you'll just want to skip this entirely. Pirates 3 is a heavy helping of Hollywood spectacle served with a steaming bowl of "So What?" and a rich side of "Who Cares?" The only reason the first installment of this padded, sluggish, lugubrious, marketing juggernaut survived to begin with was Johnny Depp's performance as Judy Garland as a pirate. It was funny and fun to watch at first but only at first. By midway through the second installment, Captain Jack couldn't squeeze a giggle out of his swishing, swaying, slightly-sloshed act. It just wasn't worth sticking around for. Kiera Knightly and Orlando Bloom don't matter in this film any more than the nameless pirate with the wooden eye or British solider #3. Double crosses, triple crosses, double-half-gainer with a twist of lemon iron crosses. By the end, who could honestly say that Orlando Bloom's character ending up as the captain of the Flying Dutchman mattered in any way to them? These movies were remarkably empty and yet cost roughly the Gross National Product of Ireland to make. Don't get me wrong -- I'm a fan of vacuous entertainment. I just want it to be entertaining.

Beowulf -- I'm still not sure what to think about this one. Seeing anything in 3-D on an IMAX screen is pretty cool so it's hard to separate the movie from the experience. It was bloody and gross for sure. Grendel is shown as an oozing, pulsating, slimy, half-man/half-monster mix and, thanks to digital technology, it's all shown in bright, crystal clear detail. Kinda distasteful. Overall, the film is about the dangers of and the perpetual nature of man's pride. Each ruler/hero makes the same vain, destructive choices as the last and the people continue to be cursed for it. It's an interesting idea to pursue and some clever writer could make a lot out of the fact that the rulers kept creating monsters through greed, lust, and vanity rather than vanquishing them -- but I'm not that clever. If you like gore and men being men and Angelina Jolie wearing - uh - not much, Beowulf is for you. If you're anybody else at all, you probably won't like it.

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix -- Much stronger than the fourth installment in terms of a comprehensible narrative and more fun to look at. All of the young actors really appear to be coming into their own and no one (with the possible exception of the girl who plays Luna Lovegood) needs a pass on their acting any more. It's taken five films but these kids have become characters that I care about and am interested in. The showdown at the end in the Department of Mysteries is exciting and fast-paced and I enjoyed the heck out of it. Imelda Staunon's character freaks me right out. The one distinct weak spot in the film is the unfortunate deus ex machina of Hagrid's giant half-brother. Not only does he serve no purpose other than as a convenient way to get rid of Delores Umbridge in the end but he's the worst looking special effect I've seen in these movies. Even the troll in the first film that was made seven years ago was better than what they did here. Other than that though, I thought it was terrific.

So there you have it. My movie pronouncements from high atop Mt. Snotty. Ah, the view here is clear, my friends, and the air is pure!