Noir Is As Noir Does

So there's film noir and then there's FILM NOIR. Lots of films have noir elements - dark, atmospheric settings and cinematography; labyrinthine plots; a mystery to solve; some bleakness. But not every film touted as a film noir actually qualifies.

True, whole, and complete noirs are not just bleak but nihilistic. They offer a look into the human heart and they don't find anything good there. True film noirs do not have happy endings. Ever. They are neutral at best but they are never happy. Also, destruction and double-crosses in noir films always come thanks to a femme fatale. Men can punch each other's faces in but it's the dames that do the real damage.



With this in mind, I declare the 1955, Robert Aldrich-helmed Kiss Me Deadly to be as noir as noir gets. Based on Mickey Spillaine's novel of the same name, it tells the tale of crooked private investigator Mike Hammer and his attempts to get to the bottom of "something big" after a happenstance run-in with a desperate blond (played by none other than our own wacky, unsettling Cloris Leachman). There's torture, fast cars, broads, a glowing suitcase, and Ralph Meeker as a sadistic, meaty Mike Hammer who doesn't care for much beyond himself. It's not the most cheerful movie you'll ever see but it is one of the more perfect examples of what a noir film really is.



The menacing Mike Hammer. In his regular line of work, he sets up husbands with his temptress of a secretary, gets the goods on them, and then blackmails them. Not a nice man.



Cloris was a nutjob even back then.



Gabrielle (a.k.a. Lilly Carver) finally finds out what's in the box. It does not end well. Just a word of advice: if you come across a valise that glows and is warm to the touch and it's the paranoid, nuclear age 1950s, just walk away.