I Am Not Made of Velveeta

I saw a comedian once who asked, "Have you ever thought about how much you'd get done if you actually did the stuff you said you needed to just to get off the phone?" As in, "I gotta go. I need to wash the dishes before the kids get home" or "I'd better let you go. I've got a ton of homework to do." You say that and then you promptly sit back down and finish popping bonbons and watching Oprah. I'm guilty of this as I'm sure most people are. Sometimes it's just time to get off the phone and if telling a small lie is what it will take, so be it.

The joke reminds me, however, of what a huge procrastinator I am. I do think about all the stuff I could accomplish if I actually did all I intend to. I make lists, prioritize them, set goals, plan, blah, blah, blah. I just put stuff off like crazy and no amount of last minute suffering ever seems to cure me of it.

The worst is when I put off my end-of-semester papers for school. I end up pulling an all-nighter at least once a semester and I end up depleted, bleary-eyed, and grumpy for a few days. The paper I turn in is never as good as it could be and I'm always on pins and needles until I get my grade, worried that this time the prof saw through my sheen of charm and good looks to discover that I'm actually an intellectual lightweight.

Currently, as I type, my right elbow is resting on a stack of papers I've had sitting here for over a week. Some student essays to read, a reading comprehension worksheet, two sets of questions from the first two chapters of Of Mice and Men. Would it take much to grade and record them? No. Would it feel great if I did it? Yeah. Is there any legitimate reason for not having done it yet? Not really. It has been a weird, topsy-turvy week because my folks were in town and I took some time off to be with them but I've certainly had the necessary time to get rid of this stack of stuff.

So why don't I?

Well, I guess if I really had to nail it down, it's simply because if I have a choice between doing something I like and something I don't like, I'll almost always pick the thing I enjoy. Even if the thing I don't like is important (writing a paper for school) and the thing I like is completely inconsequential (going through all 20 of Entertainment Weekly's "Worst Comic Book Movies Ever" list.) It's sad, really, when you think about how weak and "natural man" that is.

I've certainly gotten better about it at home. If Suzanne asks me to do something, I've trained myself (or been trained) to just go and do it right then while I'm thinking about it, while I'm able, so I don't forget and then have to say, "Oh yeah, I was about to do that." As we watch tv (Lost, DWTS, the news -- how much coverage can there possibly be on Kwame Kilpatrick's scandal? I'm interested and even I feel as though I've O.D.ed in the last week), Suzanne will say, "Will you switch the laundry?" I immediately stand up and go downstairs. It doesn't matter if K-Gooch is dancing, if Desmond is having a vision, or if ol KK himself is standing on the ledge of the 11th floor of the Coleman Young Jr. Building. I go switch the laundry.

School and work are another matter. There's no one nearly as meticulous or motivated as Suzanne at my work to encourage me to get stuff done and there's no one at all to hold me accountable at school. (Trust me, most teachers wouldn't even notice if I stopped coming altogether.) So being the weak, squishy guy that I am, I allow things at work and school to slide until the crisis moment when my boss says, "Your assessment reports are due this afternoon" or my teacher says, "Don't forget your 15-20 page terms papers are due next week."

Sigh.

I work pretty well under pressure and I like the brisk, humming feeling of doing work under a deadline. For that reason, I enjoyed working at the NPR affiliate in Boise and turning around stories in a matter of hours. There's a feeling of accomplishment and a bit of a thrill in getting something in just under the wire. Is the love of that feeling the reason I'm such a slacker? Do I like it so much that I subconsciously organize my life in a way that's sure to guarantee lots of photo finishes? I don't know. Mostly I think a lot of it is just habit and an inborn sense of easy-going, "Hey, things will work out, man." Maybe I was a surfer in another life. For better or worse, I'm just not that tense about deadlines. In the wise words of an old friend, "If it works for you, it works for you."

However, I was thinking last night about what it would be like if I really did all the things I'm supposed to do and all the things I want to do for a little while. And did them first thing without putting them off or wasting time?

I wondered what it would be like to grade the papers as soon as I get them and read all of homework for school before the day it's due. Moreover, what would it be like to actually exercise every day like I need to? And to write for an hour every day? And to study the scriptures every day?

Could it be done? Would my brain explode? Would I burn myself out and be miserable? I don't know.

The reason this even came up is Suzanne got a call from the new Bally Fitness Center in the neighborhood and was offered a free, two-week trial. She asked if her husband could have it instead. (How's that for a hint?) It starts tomorrow and I thought about actually doing it for two weeks to see what would happen. As long as I'm exercising, why not do a few other things too? I envisioned calling it The Superman Project -- two weeks of doing everything I'm supposed to do but feel bad about not doing. Everyone knows how much I love the idea of a project -- see here. I don't know if I'll do it. . . or even if I could do it. I'll be sure to let you know if I decide to go for it. Maybe I'll make a little spreadsheet chart so all six of you can track whether or not I ran or wrote that day.

Stay tuned.

(If I were made of pure Velveeta, I'd make some lame joke about how "I'll decide tomorrow" to tie in the whole procrastination theme. However, I am not made of Velveeta. I just look like it.)